eden

2009-04-13T02:44:00.001+08:00

another one to my name. chloefair.wordpress.com.

traipsing

2008-10-28T05:45:00.001+08:00

i love you more than i should
so much more than is good for me
more than is good
oh the timing is cruel
i need and don't want to need
more than i should

i am falling
say my name
and i’ll lie in the sound
what is love
but whatever my heart needs around

oh my sheet is so thin
so i say i can't sleep because
it's so very cold
but i know what i need
and if you were just near to me
would you go?

i am falling
say my name
and i'll lie in the sound
what is love
but whatever my heart needs around

and it needs you
too much now
--lie in the sound; trespassers william

---

itchy and scratchy throat
expensive phone bills
cold achey bones
important dates i'm missing
8 weeks to home.

the perks of being a wallflower

2008-10-09T03:33:00.001+08:00

first you look so strong
then you fade away
the sun will blind my eyes
i love you anyway
thirsty for your smile
i watch you for a while
you are a vapour trail
in a deep blue sky

tremble with a sigh
glitter in your eye
you seem to come and go
a never seem to know
and all my time
is yours as much as mine
we never have enough
time to show our love
--vapour trail; ride

home is where the ♥ is.

2008-10-05T08:05:00.002+08:00

i miss...

-not having to multiply everything by 1.4
-doing 8kms in my condo at night
-constantly texting on my singapore line
-having dinners and suppers with my closest friends
-the foodfoodfood
-mum & co. and dad & co.

christmas day will be extra special this year for all the right reasons.

five airport terminals in twenty seven hours

2008-08-16T10:41:00.001+08:00

i probably took the longest route to get here, but well at least i had a comfortable seat a good part of the journey. a lot of pre-flight and en route drama, almost couldn't get onto my flight cos of subload conditions and then it was a 800m dash to my gate. and over at LAX, AA couldn't find my ticket booking and i was like so damn tired already. amazing race much? thank goodness i have the head to deal with such things and still got here in the end.

it's awesome here. the apartment, the school, the weather, the people. except that it's fucking dusty i don't know where all this dust comes from and it irks me like crazy, doesn't help that i have so much black clothing. and it's pretty difficult to get around without a car here and to be honest there's not much to do here really. but well i think school and partying will keep me occupied enough. cops busted our party last night cos someone probably called to complain about the noise. it was quite amusing though cos they were exactly like the cops you see on like umm 'COPS' with the light blue shirts, shiny badges and big ass torchlights they shine in your face. but well it's not like we haven't had noise complaints and police moving in on us back in singapore, and it wasn't even a party HAHA i won't mention any names.

doesn't feel too far from home. managed to pick up some stuff at the asian grocery and i'm well stocked with essentials like oyster sauce, soba and random jap condiments i always eat without knowing what they're called. and apparently many fighter jets are manufactured here so i hear a lot of them when they go on test routes over my place, reminds me of the brother definitely. and like just using stuff like my hairdryer and organiser blahblah reminds me of my friends. see, practical gifts always work no flowers and pretty things for meee. but well yeah i still miss lots of people, even though there's like msn and facebook and skype and whatever it's not the same being there at the same table talking cock and laughing about super old stupid memories. ah well four months will pass very quickly! i think i'll be back on christmas day so yes i will make it for that hellokitty party HAHA.

i am really, really missing my awesome speakers back home. if i wanna listen to anything here i've to do it through my earphones because my laptop speakers are hopeless. fucking fujitsu never again but yes don't conk out on me nowwww you have served me well for three years i still love you please keep functioning. and my essential choya stash in my room. i need some choya badly.

aight there'd be a million things to list if i started listing everything that i miss so it ends here. love.

random non-fiction

2008-08-03T14:50:00.007+08:00

--unravel; bjork

i'm flying in less than a week. on some days i'm so reluctant to go, on others i wish i'm staying there for as long as i live. and on days like today, i just wish i had a little more time to spend at home before flying. i've hardly spent any time with the mum and the dad because of work. hardly have had any time for myself either, but i guess i'll have more than enough me time there. and as usual i suck at packing, and i'm trying to plan my finances for the next 4 months and making sure i've settled everything that needs to be settled back here.

4 months is short enough, but so much can change in the span of a few months. time waits for no one, i should know. but i think this is the one crazy thing i've been needing for a long time coming, and i will revel in it. and then i'll come home to be the same person, to live out the same mundane life.

--

would it be selfish of me to want it at this point in time? i think it would be, and i could never be that self-serving. and so i'd have to let it go, let it go. and you'll never have to know.

on a sunday night.

2008-07-13T21:36:00.003+08:00

i guess it was slightly scary how unfeeling i was towards it all like the stoic little bastard i seldom am. so at least i feel a little more humane now as reality begins to sink in, sorrow slowly seeping into every pore of my being.

not that i am habouring any regrets or partaking in the 'what if' or 'what could have been' mindfuck, no not with clarity and certainty on my side. i think it's just difficult being alone again. which is odd because i've essentially been alone for a long time now. i guess it's because what i felt prior to the end was maybe thirty percent and now this is like wham, full-blown in my face.

and to make it worse, i can never be satiated by just anyone. maybe cheap flings and short lived relationships work for others, but it'll never work for me. a void will always be a void if you fill it up with anything other than the real stuff.

but what's the real stuff anyway. i am too far from knowing.

yes maybe it is possible to get through life alone. sometimes it's just not worth it giving up so much for another being who is equally as clueless about it all. it's like the blind leading the blind, the daft trusting the daft.

except that i wasn't so blind and daft after all.

i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes
and try to tell the difference
between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"do they collide?"
i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
for all time
for all time
--passenger seat; death cab for cutie

someday you will know this feeling, whoever you may be.

journey

2008-07-01T21:10:00.002+08:00

i've dealt with so many things around me before, but sickness has never been one of them. it leaves me stone cold just thinking about it, wanting almost to cry but stopping short of it each time because i'm in no position to.

please be alright. please.

gluttony.

2008-06-25T23:26:00.002+08:00

so there i was perched in front of the kitchen sink, staring blankly at the ECP and the sea and whatever's beyond it. about a metre and a half away sat a hugeass bowl of longans on the kitchen counter top so yes, i like funny chinese fruits and so i ate a handful. and then a couple more. and then i continued to shuffle back and forth to the sink, each trip resulting in an additional longan in the mouth. this continued for a good five minutes. i am so going to regret this tomorrow morning when i wake up with a sting in my throat.

okay but all that longan stuffing wasn't for nothing. for that five minutes in front of the kitchen sink i mnaged to take a breather and think a little about things. like how soon i'll be leaving for the states and what i'm gonna miss here. i will miss deathcab like omfg they are finally coming to singapore and i will be in the US the irony omggg. but then i'll console myself and say i'm not as big a fan of narrow stairs as compared to trans and plans so please please please play as few songs as possible thankyouverymuch. and while we're on the subject of music, i really hate it when people ask me what genre(s) of music i like. you can't put a label on everything right. i hate categorisation. it generalizes things too much and makes too many assumptions. why can't something be an entity that doesn't belong to a greater subset of a greater subset of a greater subset. HUH.

mm yes so things i'll miss. i'll be missing aimee's and adeline's birthdays, bro flying at NDP which is going to be crazy awesome cos of all the CBD buildings and what not. i was traveling on the ECP last saturday when i looked up to see them do a fly by during the rehearsal and it was like oh hi, brother in the sky. fuck seriously i should have inherited some of these pilot genes as well so i wouldn't be slogging away in university and a lifetime of overworked underpaid jobs. and what did i inherit? yogi bear fats. thanks daddd love youuuu.

mmmm so yes things i'll miss. japanese food i think. and then i wondered if there were soya sauces in the states no freaking worcestershire sauce for me thanks. and then i thought about all the money i'm gonna be spending there and started feeling very guilty about how much it's gonna amount to and made a secret pact with myself to really thank my dad when i see him, even if i got all this stupid yogibearfat from him.

sleep beckons. till next time.

dislocation.

2008-06-21T02:09:00.003+08:00

things change, people change. my only constant seems to be losing its weight, dragging me further into unfamiliar grounds as it wanders without guidance, without memory.

but i know i can no longer be anchored the same way i was. change can be good. change must be good.

because people still visit this.

2008-05-26T23:09:00.002+08:00

i think it's quite scary how i can be found so easily on the net. like okay there aren't many chloe fairs in the world and i'm pretty damn sure i'm the only one in singapore (your cats dogs whatever not counted WHY is chloe such a popular pet name??). so as thankful as i am that i don't look like a fucking cat, dog or parakeet, fact remains with this name it's never easy for me to run. the name sticks in people's heads like how peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. although the former is a less salty sensation. people are always like "yeah! you're chloe fair from 199X/200X and i'm like ummm oh hey yeah you're tan lee lim!" and just google the name and you can totally find my blog, facebook and friendster profiles, and random friends' and strangers' blogs which mention me. yeah there are privacy options and shit but you know, nothing on the net is ever 100% voyeur safe. hey, i'm watching you too. *does the two finger eyes to you thing*

so anyway year3 is over and done with. 3.6 last sem yumyum very gratifying, considering i did put a lot of thought into my work and produced some praise worthy term papers. life is pretty much about my internship now. and that's all seriously. working 9am to about 7pm on average from mon to fri really zaps me of whatever energy i have. my social life has been reduced to half-awake friday nights and saturdays, during which i have the tendency to slip into naps without warning as well. so much for trying to stay caffeine free.. coffee from the pantry is a much needed morning staple now.

it's about two months to the U.S. i'm half excited, but half dreading all the admin. i have not booked tickets, made a new passport or settled my visa i am like omg i need a PA pronto. and it's really hard to get any of this done outside office hours, which basically = 70% of my life right now.

so far, twentytwo has been responsibilities and more responsibilities. i'm thankful for what i have, but sometimes i wish we were all still together. we were better together, at least i was. i love both of you, but love cannot run in different directions. domestic quatering this is.

and going by my five most recent posts, i sound like an emo nerd who's totally obsessed with my bf. dear blog i would like to sue for misrepresentation.

p.s. i snooze you.

hello.

2008-04-10T20:01:00.002+08:00

okay wow i happened to trot down to my site and it looks so sad, sorry and neglected. having a post which says 'hello december' when we are already well into 2008 is embarrassing. so yes here's a post to keep this blog current and relevant.

of course some things never change, like how i am blogging when it's the last thing i should be doing really. i have a knack for updating this during study week. every term at school just gets worse worse worse. i hate it. at least it's the home stretch already. i am so envious of my friends who are graduating this sem. i am absofuckinglutely sure that i would prefer working life over school. i am sure my future employer would not throw me something stupid like studying 8 chapters and 20 studies and ethnographies, make it a closed book assessment AND expect me to know every author's name. sorry but i thought university spelt the end of the memory game.

i've been cooped up at home, using the whole dining table as my study fort. well school sucks so bad that it can't provide me a proper place to study, so i'm trying to be productive at home. pretty okay cept for when the brother watches soccer at a crazy volume. like hello, no matter how loud it is it won't take you ~there~ okay. lotsa TLC from the mum at home too, so that's nice. never in my life would i have imagined my mum to chide me for studying too much.

crazy time ahead. flying off to melbourne for a week to spend time with pang. but my schedule is really squeezy man i'm flying a few hours after my last paper. then it's back for my internship which will eat up my whole summer, and then it's off to the U.S for exchange. so i'm pretty excited about things for once, at it's push for me to get through these three stupid exams. i don't know where i'm going to find time to pack, and i am reaaaalllyyy happy that i'm gonna see the boyf soon, and hopefully catch up with some friends over there.

man i look terrible. i look exactly like what a student in week14 should look like: dead.

hello december, soon at least.

2007-11-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

you know, it's true. the notion that you tend to blog when you have the least time to do so. in four days i will have four consecutive papers and i am hardly 30% done with my revision and what am i doing? blogging. but well at least i'm reviving this thing, bad timing or not.

so much for revival, i think this post ends here because as i re-read the above paragraph, the panic is sinking in.

the boyfriend comes home in three days. bad timing, but i am really glad. we have lots of catching up and patching up to do. you know, it's true. the notion that you don't fully treasure something until it's gone.

i am humbled.

greetings from home

2007-07-20T00:29:00.000+08:00

touched down in singapore yesterday. 5 weeks in melbourne went by just like that. time flies when you spend time with the love of your life, and perhaps that's how married couples actually stay together till the end. i always thought a lifetime was an itsy bitsy too long, but i guess it's a different story if it's fast tracked. 21 and i've found out the secret formula. go me!

back home and lotsa things coming up. cca stuff, choir, shifting, start of year3. omg it never ends does it? oh well one thing at a time. first i have to get down to unpacking my suitcase and doing the laundry. i hope this procrastination rids itself of any further procrastination. this massive black suitcase is an eyesore. usually it would blend right in with the mess i accumulate (and actually accommodate), but i made sure my room was spick and span before i left and it's nice to see that it's stayed that way and that no one touched my choya and mickey mouse, who by the way is getting dustier by the day.

speaking of mickey mouse, it's about 11 million seconds till i see pang again. i can't decide if that's long or short. i miss you.

greetings from melbourne.

2007-06-18T15:14:00.000+08:00

i was so excited and nervous about leaving for melbourne to meet mr ong till i was a total airhead on tuesday. i did the most ridiculous and bimbotic things ever but umm it's okay. if you don't already know, you don't have to.

i got checked a million times on this side. perhaps a young azn lady traveling alone on first class screams something illegal like prostitute or black market boss' daughter or some shit. and some of the accents were so thick, i couldn't make out what they were asking at all. yea koalabear kangaroo, bundoora gloria jean's crocodile dundee to you too, mate.

it's freaking cold here. i mean yeah winter duh. but didn't expect it to be this cold and i really look like a bahzhang when i throw on the layers, but less triangular i guess, something like a squished bahzhang.

anyway the boyfriend's papers still aren't over so i haven't seen much of melbourne. but well primary purpose here ain't to sightsee anyway. it's great to be able to spend some time together again, and to find that nothing's changed and that perhaps we have only grown stronger. so well sorry to the haters, this isn't gonna end anytime soon so you're gonna have to hold back that 'i told you so' nyaahaaa.

the crows here sound weird. the squawking sounds so man-made. when i first got here i thought it was some guy going "aawwkk awwwwk". okay you get the idea righttt.

i feel a bit homesick. i miss the food and my friends.but i have to say, both panghao and i are rathe decent cooks. damn our kids will be such lucky assholes.

auntie at heart.

2007-06-09T03:35:00.000+08:00

hurhur looks like i've infected enough people with that japanese song long enough. and i can't believe i just began a post with 'hurhur'.

the weather has been insane lately. the heat is absurd. usually the interior of our house stays cool despite a relatively hot day. this is the first time i feel like i'm being cooked in the house. like chloe fillet mignon anyone?

i'm 21, but i think the 40 year old in me is lurking somewhere. evidence:

-my favourite choice of snack at home apart from fruits is my dad's well stocked stash of groundnuts. (initially i typed 'dad's groundnuts' and that sounded wrong.)yes the "big thumb" groundnuts. like best tv snack everrr.

-when buying shoes i totally go for comfort over style. i just bought a pair of moccasins which to most 21 year old fashion divas would seem "eew zomg totally auntie and low class", but whatever. at least i'm not getting those blisters and corns and what nots.

-turn on the radio and it's gold 90.5fm. class 95 used to be okay, but now the djs are getting younger and more annoying, and occasionally you have to listen to crap by paris hilton, fergie and rihanna. i'm sorry but these people and the like can't sing for shit.

-i guess that's why i am always so slow to catch on to what's current in the music scene. the most current i get is to buy new CD releases from my favourite artistes. you know it took me like months to find out 'thks fr th mmrs' stood for thanks for the memories. i honestly thought it stood for thanks for the MURMURS. i mean any idiot who can't speak with vowels is murmuring right. like totally act cool la. perhaps i should start calling myself CHL FR. okay no good, looks like choloroform.

-i would totally choose a housevisit over going out to crowded places anytime. i think i inherit this from my dad. he absoutely hates crowded places, and we always used to call him a ko-tak gui.

-i go apeshit at supermarkets. omg i love shopping for groceries, household items (even things like dishwashing liquid) and furniture.

nevertheless, chloe fair > you still. and i guess it's apt that i'm dating an ahpek ahaha.

good thing: only three days till i see the boyfriend again!
bad thing: haven't started packing OHMYGOD. how the fuck do you pack for 5 weeks seriously.

'tatakai wa owara nai.. tatakai wa owara nai..'

2007-05-30T15:35:00.000+08:00

omg. i'm going crazy. you see i was fiddling with yc's nintendo ds (which i happily hijacked for my aussie trip heehee) and i decided to play some fifa 2007 at 4am in the morning. on comes this absurd funk japanese song and now i can't stop listening to it. what the hell is it like hypnotic or what? go onto her myspace and listen for yourself. click on 'girl fight'. haha OMG i can't get it out of my head.

anyway my body clock is officially screwed. i can't get to sleep any earlier than 4am. if this continues i'll be going to bed when the sun rises over in melbourne. whee only two weeks to melbourne : ) can't wait to see the bf once again, who shall henceforth be known as ONG TIM TAM for consuming too many of those choclatey confections.

you know you're leading a bum's life when you wake up, and your most major concern is whether to go to zouk or MOS tonight. but cover charges apply tonight and i hate paying to club. i'm an absolute cheapie when it comes to clubbing. why? the drinks they serve you are like bloody water and ice. and unlike guys who can make their $20 worthwhile after a bonus grope or a squeeze, i ain't touching anybody yo.

lately, a bunch of us have rekindled our tetrinet addiction. this dates way back to the lower sec era (seven years ago omg) and we used to stay up and play till 4am, and then see each other in school 3 hours later. tetrinet = internet tetris but with a whole lot of special blocks that enable you to attack, saboh and defend. and it's freeee. download it at tetrinet2.com. don't say good things never share.

thirteen days to melbourne : )

disclaimer: this is not a ghostblog.

21 and then some more.

2007-05-21T03:11:00.000+08:00

it's funny how time is passing so quickly even though i'm practically doing nothing. suddenly it's been two weeks since i've updated this, and only 3 weeks till i leave for melbourne.

my 21st birthday came and went pretty quietly a couple of weeks ago. well i don't think 21 holds much significance for me. the whole "you're an adult now!" thing doesn't really apply i guess, cos i think circumstances in the past have forced me to be just that a long, long time ago. and well as long as you're still studying you'll never truly feel like an adult anyway, you'll still be a fucking slave of stupid institutions which are governed by stupid rules. i guess the only additional benefit turning 21 brings is "hi mum, please put your next property under my name okay?"

one thing i really value this year was to be able to spend quality time with family. even though we had to spend it apart, it's the first time i've really enjoyed my family's company during my birthday. and compared to about three, four years ago, i think my relationship with my parents has improved greatly (or should i say relationships since i should be treating them as separate entities? uh well, the grammar pertaining to family is confusing now i guess) and it means the world to me. for the shitty Catholic i am, i really thank God for guiding me so that i'm at least handling one aspect of my life the right way. it's funny how we ask ever so casually for God to "forgive us our sins", when it's already such a great struggle to even try to forgive one person's sins. but i'm getting there, because i know it's the right thing to do. i am your very own flesh and blood and i will stand by you. always. and from this i know i've really grown up because the me at eighteen would have just said "fuck you" with all that pent-up emo angst.

---

it's been hard for me to really concentrate on anything or anyone because all i truly want now is to spend some time with panghao. it's been a good three and a half months since he's left.. but the sting of separation never wears off. it creeps upon me unknowingly and it returns in an increasingly raw and brutal fashion each time. sometimes it feels like it has the potential to consume whatever love i have in me. sometimes i feel like i'm running an endless marathon, without even knowing where the endpoint is. sometimes it feels like a battle already lost. i came so close to giving up.

and then this tiny something in me awoke. it reminded me who and what i was fighting for, and it reminded me how much i really wanted it. i think if love were an element, it would be this very tiny something. i ask myself what i want in life, and this is the only thing i'm certain of for now. i guess this speck has always existed, but it's only now that i understand its intent.

we'll never be able to predict where or what the endpoint is, and it's useless to say things like we'll get married and love each other till death do us part. sure it's something to work towards, and it would be a beautiful somewhere to reach. but it's not everything a relationship should be about.

no matter where this relationship takes us, i will always have a speck of you in me. and this speck contains the greatest love and companionship i've known till now. and soon i'll be there, right by your side.

right by your side, where i am most alive.

birthday schmurfday.

2007-05-06T20:22:00.000+08:00

it really, really, really annoys me how people go "oh so you can read my mind...?" after i say i'm a psychology major. look, i study affect, behaviour, cognition, physiological states.. not how to be a fucking gypsy. like omg i have to buy a crystal ball and tarot cards along with my course pack wowww.

i've seen this same old cockroach lurking in my bathroom for a couple of weeks now. i think he lives in the rattan basket which contains random toiletries and such. i wonder what he survives on though, unless bar soap is the new chow for roaches. aimee, yanti and i tried to kill him on friday night but alas, we were out of baygon. so we did a stupid thing and sprayed him with air freshener. he didn't die, but i think some things in my nasal passage did. we've christened him 'papa roach' and i haven't seen him since that night. i guess he hates green tea.

despite the great company in recent days, i've been feeling rather down. i guess the picture under 'misc' explains it all. enough said.

random things.

2007-04-29T13:59:00.000+08:00

-some time last week i was at the mrt platform waiting for the train to arrive. and when it did, i saw someone flag it. like uh okayy.

-i didn't even know which day my birthday falls on until somebody told me. sorry man now that's the holidays, everyday is a sunday. worse still, i didn't know tuesday was a public holiday.

-i got really high on sprite whilst playing mahjong because i started singing along to things like 'gangster's paradise' and 'you spin me right round baby right round like record baby right round round round'. scared my friends i must have. am making a conscious effort to stay away from sprite.

-on my way to chorale yesterday i accidentally stepped on something white and pinkish and squishy when crossing the road. i've since hosed down my birks and am praying that it was squished peaches and not a dead cat. YUCKS.

-my mum's been on a konyakku (how the fuck do you spell it) jelly making spate. everyday there's a new batch of them in the fridge. but then, it's always lychee. i think she just needs the syrup to make her lychee martinis (which is good stuff i have to say) and had to figure out something to do with the fruit itself.

-my house is like changi nature reserve. here's why:

giant bird's nest fern. i can't believe it got to this size.

and a real bird's nest! it's been around for some weeks now.

there's a small bird inside, but it's too dark to see from the photo. can't get too close though, apparently the mother bird will reject the eggs or something if so.

new frames anyone?

2007-04-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

haa 2 posts in a day. how unlikely is that. well just a quick shout out here to help my friend promote his new business that he's set up together with his sis.

funkypeepers is a new concept spectacle frame shop at which they only sell spectacle frames (i.e they don't do lenses). but you can get really funky and lightweight frames, and they all sell for just $38 here whereas they cost about like a hundred plus at big optical shops? and even if you just buy the frames and make your lenses elsewhere, it's definitely still cheaper. so yup, if you're looking to make a new pair of specs, here's a new option for you. i think it's worth checking out :)

funkypeepers is located at B1 of penninsula shopping centre (behind funan centre). you'll be able to see it once you enter the main entrance.

so yup check it out yeah :)

bored stiff.

2007-04-25T13:36:00.000+08:00

that time of the year comes again. sleep at 3am, wake up at 2pm. bum round everyday 'cos my close friends are still having their exams in other unis. sit around and wait for grades to be returned. stone in front of the computer the whole day. i can feel my waistline expanding already.

at least this semester's grades look good, but that's only because these were modules i actually enjoyed. sometimes i still regret coming here, because i have to take a whole load of shit fuck compulsory modules which i don't even give a damn about, and they pull down my gpa like crap.

and i hate this damn school. everyone is like a super driven nut. say you're not doing your internship this summer and everyone looks at you as if you ought to be shot. say that you're a B+ average and people think you're a dumbass. but well i guess any other place would suck as bad because it is essentially still school. just 4 sems and an internship to graduation. must. per. se. vere.

i charted out my summer and it seems that i'm actually gonna be quite busy after all. i just want to fly to melbourne and be with panghao. like right now :( i hate being apart from him. hateeeee.

it's such a stupid cookie cutter world. and everything they teach you in school, how the system works, how you're judged, it's all with regards to this stupid cookie cutter world. and it seems as if anything but acquiescence will get you nowhere. and that's exactly how i feel. like i'm going nowhere.

summer break :)

2007-04-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

okay my last post here was last year. well i'm back with a new layout and uh, i shall try to post here more often from now. gerald! i posted haha.

anyway just some updates since the last post. i'm done with year 2, which means i've gone through half the hell. 2 more years and i can graduate and get the hell out of school. i mean yeah work sucks but at least you get paid for that. i'm am also a (carless) driver now.

panghao has left for his studies. he's been in melbourne since feb pursuing his physiotherapy degree. i'll be flying up in june to visit him so yeah, one month of summer burnt in aust.

but well it's not like i'm being very productive here anyway. i've decided to leave my internship till year3. i hope i don't regret this decision later on, since it's not exactly easy to secure a good internship. but well i definitely cannot miss out on visiting pang this summer. if i don't get to see him till december, i think i'll go crazy. crazyyyyyyy.

most of the close friends aren't done with exams yet so i'm bored to tears. so much so i've gotten down to cleaning my room and doing my laundry. yes despite having a washer and dryer at home, i still handwash most of my clothes. totally unglam and tiring but well, ever since i found my clothes decorated with grey blotches, i swore never ever to machine wash my better clothes again. i guess the dad can't read laundry labels too well huh.

and fuck, it's just hard to watch the news or read the papers nowadays because it's just one tragedy after another. forget about global warming or asteroids or whatever. i think we'll all just end up killing each other.

/undo hiatus.

2006-09-24T13:22:00.000+08:00

i can't believe i haven't updated this thing in almost 2 months. i mean, not in the "omg was i that lazy" sense because i know i am. rather, i can't believe 2 months have gone by that quick. when the term starts, everything is just a freaking whirlwind and it's me who's always lost in the centre of everything.

school's been pretty okay, cept the modules i'm taking are a bit taxing this term. i'm one of the few dumbasses who has to sit for five midterm papers. i am so fucked. and i don't know.. i've been stressing myself out a lot cos of schoolwork this term. i've even blown off friends and like, 'fun stuff' to finish up assignments or catch up on my revision. perhaps this is considered a pretty duh and normal thing for most people, but i can safely say i've never been this way for the past twenty years. i've always put leisure above everything else before, and now it seems to be the last thing on my list. perhaps this is growing up, or responsibility, or whatever. i just wish i knew how to strike a balance.. either extreme is definitely no good for me. and at the one i am right now, i just feel like i'm gonna burn out really soon.

why am i working so hard anyway? i've always been the one to do the minimal when it comes to academics. i did barely well enough to get into vj for my actual 'O's, and i did barely okay enough to get into smu with my 'A's. in the same sense, won't merely getting a degree suffice? like to hell with honours or anything like that. i'm quite sure that in the end it's gonna be my personality and talents that are going to get me somewhere in life, and not my piece of paper. so what am i stressing myself out for? i guess i just want to prove something. not to anyone, i don't owe anyone anything. i just want to prove it to myself, that i can be so much more capable than this. i know i am. but everytime it comes down to showing it i only produce mediocre results. and i'm sick of that.

but at the same time, i don't want to lose myself either. so caught up with school, i miss certain things and people that make up so much of me. but at least i'm going back to chorale so that cheers me up a little. doing something that i genuinely love to do. i am at my happiest when i'm singing. and of course, there's always you who keeps me going.

happy 14 months baby. i love you*.

oh hello.

2006-07-31T18:06:00.000+08:00

oh wow haven't updated this in a while. and um, not gonna update this for a while more.

congrats to VC for emerging champions in the musica sacra cat in the WCG. world class choir yo :)