on a sunday night.

i guess it was slightly scary how unfeeling i was towards it all like the stoic little bastard i seldom am. so at least i feel a little more humane now as reality begins to sink in, sorrow slowly seeping into every pore of my being.

not that i am habouring any regrets or partaking in the 'what if' or 'what could have been' mindfuck, no not with clarity and certainty on my side. i think it's just difficult being alone again. which is odd because i've essentially been alone for a long time now. i guess it's because what i felt prior to the end was maybe thirty percent and now this is like wham, full-blown in my face.

and to make it worse, i can never be satiated by just anyone. maybe cheap flings and short lived relationships work for others, but it'll never work for me. a void will always be a void if you fill it up with anything other than the real stuff.

but what's the real stuff anyway. i am too far from knowing.


yes maybe it is possible to get through life alone. sometimes it's just not worth it giving up so much for another being who is equally as clueless about it all. it's like the blind leading the blind, the daft trusting the daft.

except that i wasn't so blind and daft after all.


i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes
and try to tell the difference
between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"do they collide?"
i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
for all time
for all time
--passenger seat; death cab for cutie


someday you will know this feeling, whoever you may be.